Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
