In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
