i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
