I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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