Just fell off a train. Bad.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
