I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
