It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
