I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
