Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
