I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
