I cut my penus on the lid.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
