even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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