my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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