You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
