Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
