cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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