just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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