who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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