i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
