I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
