i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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