I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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