I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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