..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
