At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
