I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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