Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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