I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
