Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
