He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
