you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
