just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
