____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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