what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
