I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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