remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We were destined to go to rehab together
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I can't put those talents on a resume
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
