i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
