he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
