Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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