My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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