I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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