Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
