Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
