i just wanna soil my oats bro
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
