I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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