then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
