My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
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I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
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I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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