all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just invented taco cereal.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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