I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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