Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
