guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
