Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
