when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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