I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
