He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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