He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
